Thursday, December 17, 2009

Dear Santa, I've been Naughty!

If I'm naughty in a good way, does that mean I get awesome presents?  Like the Hitachi Magic Wand or the Form 2?  Oh, but there are so many other things that would make me giddy.

Let me name them:
Weldea Sea Buckthorn Hand Lotion (This smells so dainty, husband approved)
A Vacation out of the country (preferrably somewhere warm)
Born Tatiana Boots in Brown Size 7.5
A Party with my good friends
A Party with new friends.

List to be continued...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I guess I need lessons on how not to mess things up.

I am incredibly sad today because I think I've been misunderstood.  The thing I fear the most is losing a friend and I hope this is not the case here.  I'm shocked how much this hurts my heart.  Where are my tissues?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


teardrops that fall onto chapped lips do nothing but sting the soul.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Happy happy Joy joy

I told my husband a while ago that he could read this blog whenever, but he may not like the things I write.

So he did.

Yesterday, he nonchalantly mentions that he read it and it sounded like my life is a piece of shit.
Ok, my life is NOT a piece of shit, but I've had some shitty things happen to me lately. I had to explain to him that this is like therapy to me, just getting my thoughts out. I also told him that if he didn't like what I wrote, he didn't have to visit the site anymore. Plain and simple. I'm not bashing him. He's a wonderful, funny, sexy guy that I love very much.

There are times that I have no one to vent to and this is my forum for that.

He told me I should start writing positive things and maybe I'd feel better.

Hey... I'm happy!!! LOOK AT ME... I'M HAPPY!!!!

Better now?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Fuck, I hate myself today.

I'm failing at all things easy today. I'm bored. I hate myself. I'm a terrible parent. I'm just having a blah day. It's cloudy out and I hate that.

I'll quit now.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Somethings Missing

Most of the time I feel at ease with life, but lately I've been feeling like something is missing. I just don't think I can pinpoint it exactly. It's driving me crazy. There are times that I think it's something huge, but then I think it's nothing at all. It comes and goes. Right now I have one of those "what the hell is wrong with me" thoughts.

Whatever it is, it's beyond my reach. It's something I just can't grasp. Like learning how to the play the guitar, or being able to sculpt. I don't know how to describe it. It's something I don't have but have a need for. I know, it doesn't really make sense to me either.


What I want...

Is it too much to ask for a quiet moment in the morning before the kids and dog wake up? I guess not. I treasure my sleep too much to even think about waking up before they do. Let me explain my hatred of a typical morning in the life of me.

6amish... Lainey may or may not be wanting me to either lay in my bed or have me lay in hers. Why doesn't the child as her dad? Because he's told her no too many times. I guess I'm a push over or an enabler. BUT... if i don't take action and get her to be quiet, she will wake him up just enough to piss him off. Why must I be the peacemaker?

0630 - Colin wakes up, I find him clothes, make him breakfast and get his lunch ready. He usually needs to be reminded to eat. You know, because TV is more important. He's loud when he wakes up and I need to remind him to be quiet many many times. It goes something like this, "COLIN- be quiet or you will wake dad up".

About this time is when Lainey makes her appearance and demands that I take her pillow and blanket out to the couch because "she can't". Again... in an attempt to keep it quiet, I just do it. Then it's one demand after another, "I want some milk" "I want to watch Sponge Bob" "I want a snack".

Also at the same time - The dog needs to go outside. The front door is connected to Lainey's room and the door is very loud when opening and closing it. This also plays a factor into if Lainey will stay in bed asleep. GAH!!!!

0710 - Colin is constantly reminded to find his shoes and coat and backpack. Why can't he find them? He hasn't even looked. Boys.

0715 - The dog knows Colin is getting ready for the long trip to the bus and gets excited and wants to go with us. Lainey, who likes to wear nothing but underwear is wanting to go too. I argue that she can't go unless she's dressed.

0720ish - Finally get colin in the car and to the end of the driveway to meet the bus that is chronically late. I'm happy that I can rely on being late too. It's a match made in heaven.

The point of it all is that all three; Colin, Lainey and the Dog all come at me at the same time and need something from me AT THE SAME TIME. I am not equipped to multitask in such a manner without having an I.V. drip of coffee in me. It's tiring and makes me a tad bit cranky.

So, in a perfect world, this is what I want:

I want to wake up to no one up yet and have a few minutes to myself

I want to do ONE THING AT A TIME, not six.

I want to have my kids be more self reliant (yes, I know I'm an enabler...bad me)

I want to wake up with perfect hair and makeup and dressed with cute clothing.

And once in a while I want to do none of this. (ok, truth is, I want this almost everyday and want to stay in bed where I am warm and cozy)

Thursday, September 17, 2009


Chuck has to change his schedule at work. Why? I DON'T KNOW.... but it means I need to either switch the days I work or put up with him working really late on fridays. Right now, we have fridays off together. My work isn't really wanting to work with me right now to help me out in the situation. I love them, but WHAT THE FUCK BITCHES????? How about a little comprimise, eh? It's making me EXTREMELY CRABBY. I need to breathe.

My body feels like it's having an adrenaline overload. I'm hormonal and that's not helping things.

anyone got a valium i can borrow?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The house that A.D.D. built

Chuck and I started building our house in late 2002. We did a lot of work ourselves. He laid the wood flooring. I helped run the electrical and was the clean up crew. There were so many decisions to make and I was afraid to make any due to my feeling of "I might pick something useless and stupid". I have a hard time with this. The night before Chuck's birthday, January 9th, 2003. I found out I was pregnant with Colin. This has come to be known as the gift that kept on giving. I panicked because our house was no where near completion. We did what we could to get our Occupancy Permit. We used up all the money on our loan and there are still many things that have not been completed.

Chuck has A.D.D. and has been diagnosed for some time. He's very good at starting projects but they seem not to hold his interest, which makes completion close to unattainable. I have no idea how to motivate him to want to complete these things. I'm at a loss and have a ghetto new house. I know I'm at fault too. I am. I do what I can do, but I can't do everything. I try not to ask for things to be done anymore because he thinks I'm just nagging. Nagging = Nothing getting done. So here comes my "brain dump" portion of this post.

Things that need to be done to complete this house:
Closet doors
sink in my bathroom
trim around my windows in my bathroom
window treatments
mirror and lighting in my bathroom
New paint color
island top
tile around backsplash/fireplace and hearth
fix my god damn garage doors that have been broken for almost a full year. ANNOYING
trim around top of cabinets
drawer pulls

sounds so easy to fix all of these but biking, fishing, working and downtime get in the way.

This is the house that A.D.D. built and it shows.

Things I love...

Love is...

1. The smell of fresh cut grass, especially when it's winter.

2. Cuddling with my kids and I see them smiling at me.

3. Beer.

4. A husband that understands and trusts me.

5. Laughter.

6. Friends.

7. Friends that understand me.

8. The warmth of a pile of blankets fresh from the dryer.

9. Sleeping in.

10. Co-workers that make you want to go back to work because they are so much fun.

11. OPI Nail Polish. All Colors. And you must put it on in this order: Base Coat, 2 Coats Color, Top Coat. Not Kidding.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Things I hate...

There are so many that I thought I'd keep a running list of them. Let me begin:

1. Crumbs- stepping on them, sitting on them, having them stuck to my legs after sitting in a restaurant with shorts on.

2. "Man Look"- When my husband looks for things he's lost, but can't find them. He will just glance over a room without lifting things and moving them to find the lost item. Usually, the item is just sitting out in plain sight.

3. Folding Laundry- Just. Plain. Hate. It.

4. Having the kids find me while I need "privacy" in the bathroom. Colin learned how to pick the lock. Jesus.

5. Religious Status Updates on Facebook. This is a surefire way to get me to either hide or defriend you.

6. Having dirty filthy feet. These must be washed before going to bed. It's almost as if I can't breathe without clean feet. Weird. I'd like to thank my mother for this problem.

7. Having my ears bent forward. My husband keeps telling me that it doesn't hurt me, but WTF does he know?

8. My mom walking into my house unannounced and without knocking. She's gonna get an eye full soon, I promise.

9. Having to wait on my husband because he's procrastinating, then having to hurry up because he has made us late for something. Then, I drive and he's a "side seat driver". Hey buddy, if you don't like how I drive, hop on over.

10. Baseball and Nascar. Yeah, go figure. I'm bored as Fuck.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

First day of the Annoying Parent Parade.

Today was Colin's first day of Kindergarten. He did awesome. It was only an hour and a half long and I only met part of his class and parents. I was unprepared with my paperwork and needed to fill out 258 more forms. Love that. Not really. I am one to just hang back and watch the other parents and hear what they have to say. Today was a really good day for my style of people watching that I like to call "parent watching".

I observed a mom today that was very much into promoting how well her son 1) found the classroom, 2) how long he's been writing letters (SINCE HE WAS TWO, DON'T YOU KNOW!) and 3) how she was a "stay at home mom" but very busy. Yeah lady, I get that. I don't feel the need to stroke your ego or play into your game. My husband and I pinched and poked each other under the table because of her shenanigans. Then he leans in to me and says, "I had a lot of fun with you last night." OH...the distractions! I. MUST. LISTEN. TO. THE. TEACHER.

I am obsessed with nail polish and I caught a glimpse of the teachers toenails. She must think I'm one of those people with a foot fetish (hey... I can appreciate nice feet). She had the prettiest, sexiest shade of deep pink/red that I could have just jumped in and slathered all over me. This will be my next venture- finding this nail polish. Maybe I'll just ask her what kind it is. That might be a nice icebreaker. Or just plain weird.

I can't for my next time meeting all the parents.

dazed and confused

Not sure what to say or how to say it. I just am. Sigh.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Alternative Vacation

This past weekend we made our annual trip up to a motocross track called Baja. This is where my husband used to race when he was younger. We love so many things related to motocross. The atmosphere, the camping, the smells and sounds of the 4 strokes. Motocross is not a cheap sport and it's very interesting to see the mix of people that it brings out. There are families that have bikes upon bikes and their big ass motorhomes. On the other side of the spectrum, you will see a little tent, a bike and mostly likely a Dad and Son just waiting for their turn at the starting gate.

My husband really would like it if our son would take an interest in motorcycles and all things thrilling. He is very much the opposite of that. He is the safest, most cautious kid I know. This makes my husband a bit sad. He gets frustrated with him because he doesn't enjoy the same things as him. This makes him a cranky dad, which makes me a cranky mom. Some day the kids and their dad will find something in common and we can lose the crankiness.

Some day, just not now.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

i suck

I suck at this. This whole trying to make a blog a pretty thing. This will be simple and most likely unappealing. Because... I'm not trying to impress anyone. Why do I keep harping on this? LOL.

He thinks I'm just playing on facebook, but little does he know that I'm using this time to clear my head. I'd like to call it a brain purge. He's been sick and I've been hearing about it. He's sick of being sick and needs a lot of attention. I am not only a wife, I'm a mother of two little children that also require a lot of my attention. Sometimes I need to have my own attention. That's usually a big FAIL. Tonight, I decided to give myself some time to look for a dress for a wedding. I like the idea of having no one to answer to, no one to have to give my attention to, no one to have to entertain. It was all about me. Me, browsing through ugly and expensive dresses. Trying on a dress and nearly getting stuck in it. My anxiety level started climbing while I stood in the dressing room, not sure what to do with a dress that didn't want to go up or down. Luckily, I MacGyvered my way out of it. Whew. Disaster averted.

I've been having a terrible time with my body image. It's never good enough. Never good enough for him, never good enough for me. Never. I am never happy with it. Ever. I wish I could fix that feeling in my brain.

We had an arguement. I tried to talk him through conflict resolution. I think he may have listened. Although he laughed at my tactics, I think part of it may have stuck with him. Lets hope. It's better than nothing. It's better than just shutting down or feeling broken. Some days there just aren't enough band aids to fix the broken.

Cross your fingers for me. I need this to last. I'd be nothing without him.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


I forgot I had this blog. Seriously. A lot has happened to me in the last 6 months which has made me forget certain things that used to be habit for me. It's ok. I'm good now. I think.

Sometimes you just have to get it out. There's these thoughts that float around in my head that make me crazy unless I command them out. This is part of that command. Putting the words down in a place where I can nicely tuck them in and tell them good night and good bye.

Lately there has been a calmness in my head which invokes words of poetry. I can't put those words down on Facebook or Twitter. People just wouldn't understand and I don't expect them to. I'm sure they would just think I'm crazy. Or perhaps, maybe some can identify with them. This is why I came back here to find my place to lay it down. I'm ok if no one reads it. I'm ok if anyone reads it. It's OK. I keep telling myself that.