Wednesday, September 2, 2009

i suck

I suck at this. This whole trying to make a blog a pretty thing. This will be simple and most likely unappealing. Because... I'm not trying to impress anyone. Why do I keep harping on this? LOL.

He thinks I'm just playing on facebook, but little does he know that I'm using this time to clear my head. I'd like to call it a brain purge. He's been sick and I've been hearing about it. He's sick of being sick and needs a lot of attention. I am not only a wife, I'm a mother of two little children that also require a lot of my attention. Sometimes I need to have my own attention. That's usually a big FAIL. Tonight, I decided to give myself some time to look for a dress for a wedding. I like the idea of having no one to answer to, no one to have to give my attention to, no one to have to entertain. It was all about me. Me, browsing through ugly and expensive dresses. Trying on a dress and nearly getting stuck in it. My anxiety level started climbing while I stood in the dressing room, not sure what to do with a dress that didn't want to go up or down. Luckily, I MacGyvered my way out of it. Whew. Disaster averted.

I've been having a terrible time with my body image. It's never good enough. Never good enough for him, never good enough for me. Never. I am never happy with it. Ever. I wish I could fix that feeling in my brain.

We had an arguement. I tried to talk him through conflict resolution. I think he may have listened. Although he laughed at my tactics, I think part of it may have stuck with him. Lets hope. It's better than nothing. It's better than just shutting down or feeling broken. Some days there just aren't enough band aids to fix the broken.

Cross your fingers for me. I need this to last. I'd be nothing without him.

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