Monday, November 23, 2009

Happy happy Joy joy

I told my husband a while ago that he could read this blog whenever, but he may not like the things I write.

So he did.

Yesterday, he nonchalantly mentions that he read it and it sounded like my life is a piece of shit.
Ok, my life is NOT a piece of shit, but I've had some shitty things happen to me lately. I had to explain to him that this is like therapy to me, just getting my thoughts out. I also told him that if he didn't like what I wrote, he didn't have to visit the site anymore. Plain and simple. I'm not bashing him. He's a wonderful, funny, sexy guy that I love very much.

There are times that I have no one to vent to and this is my forum for that.

He told me I should start writing positive things and maybe I'd feel better.

Hey... I'm happy!!! LOOK AT ME... I'M HAPPY!!!!

Better now?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Fuck, I hate myself today.

I'm failing at all things easy today. I'm bored. I hate myself. I'm a terrible parent. I'm just having a blah day. It's cloudy out and I hate that.

I'll quit now.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Somethings Missing

Most of the time I feel at ease with life, but lately I've been feeling like something is missing. I just don't think I can pinpoint it exactly. It's driving me crazy. There are times that I think it's something huge, but then I think it's nothing at all. It comes and goes. Right now I have one of those "what the hell is wrong with me" thoughts.

Whatever it is, it's beyond my reach. It's something I just can't grasp. Like learning how to the play the guitar, or being able to sculpt. I don't know how to describe it. It's something I don't have but have a need for. I know, it doesn't really make sense to me either.


What I want...

Is it too much to ask for a quiet moment in the morning before the kids and dog wake up? I guess not. I treasure my sleep too much to even think about waking up before they do. Let me explain my hatred of a typical morning in the life of me.

6amish... Lainey may or may not be wanting me to either lay in my bed or have me lay in hers. Why doesn't the child as her dad? Because he's told her no too many times. I guess I'm a push over or an enabler. BUT... if i don't take action and get her to be quiet, she will wake him up just enough to piss him off. Why must I be the peacemaker?

0630 - Colin wakes up, I find him clothes, make him breakfast and get his lunch ready. He usually needs to be reminded to eat. You know, because TV is more important. He's loud when he wakes up and I need to remind him to be quiet many many times. It goes something like this, "COLIN- be quiet or you will wake dad up".

About this time is when Lainey makes her appearance and demands that I take her pillow and blanket out to the couch because "she can't". Again... in an attempt to keep it quiet, I just do it. Then it's one demand after another, "I want some milk" "I want to watch Sponge Bob" "I want a snack".

Also at the same time - The dog needs to go outside. The front door is connected to Lainey's room and the door is very loud when opening and closing it. This also plays a factor into if Lainey will stay in bed asleep. GAH!!!!

0710 - Colin is constantly reminded to find his shoes and coat and backpack. Why can't he find them? He hasn't even looked. Boys.

0715 - The dog knows Colin is getting ready for the long trip to the bus and gets excited and wants to go with us. Lainey, who likes to wear nothing but underwear is wanting to go too. I argue that she can't go unless she's dressed.

0720ish - Finally get colin in the car and to the end of the driveway to meet the bus that is chronically late. I'm happy that I can rely on being late too. It's a match made in heaven.

The point of it all is that all three; Colin, Lainey and the Dog all come at me at the same time and need something from me AT THE SAME TIME. I am not equipped to multitask in such a manner without having an I.V. drip of coffee in me. It's tiring and makes me a tad bit cranky.

So, in a perfect world, this is what I want:

I want to wake up to no one up yet and have a few minutes to myself

I want to do ONE THING AT A TIME, not six.

I want to have my kids be more self reliant (yes, I know I'm an enabler...bad me)

I want to wake up with perfect hair and makeup and dressed with cute clothing.

And once in a while I want to do none of this. (ok, truth is, I want this almost everyday and want to stay in bed where I am warm and cozy)