Have you ever...

Have you ever had a loss in your life that felt like there was a big gaping empty hole within you?

Have you ever tried to cram that hole with things that could possibly make you feel better, but just doesn't?

Have you ever felt naked, raw, angry, sad, crushed, lost?

Have you ever felt all alone in this world, with people not understanding you?

The hole I have is exposed to the elements.

I have nothing left but to go through the steps of grieving.  I hope I get through them all soon.

Time...yes... I know....time is what it will take.


This is how it feels to lose a friend.

HOLY SHITBALLS

It's been over a year since I've been here.  I usually take a break when major things go on with my life.  The first time was a major breakdown in my marriage. A year ago, I had a friendship that I adored, go bad. Things are different, sane and on a plateau now.

I'm in need of a brain dump.  My head is filled with too many thoughts right now. It's clouding my ability to think clearly.  Unsure of how I feel right now, since there is too many things to feel.
I feel numb to some things, but it allows the excitement part to come thru.

I've:
stopped drinking for 42 days in a row
trained for 12 weeks for 1/2 marathon
ran a 1/2 marathon
felt like i lived at the gym

I'm:
tired
happy
sometimes giggly
sassy
sympathetic for sad friends
sad for plans changing

Life is funny, sometimes.

I believe I have come to a turning point in my life.  I feel like a cloud has been lifted and I am enjoying life even more lately.  I am making some changes (for the better), and damn, if it isn't working in my favor.  Here's a few things that I've come up with.  My new motto is, "if you can't beat them join them".  Which means I've given in to my husband's hobby of biking, racing and what not.  I have signed up for a 5k in May.  I'm not a runner, but would like to complete a 5k before I die.  I hope it doesn't kill me in the process.  So, I guess.... the added exercise is good for me.  Hey, what do you know... exercise is good.  I'm nicer and happier which means everyone else is too.

Another thing... Chuck and I have decided to take a different approach to parenting.  Talking nice and no yelling.  gah... We need to keep reminding each other about that one.  It's not easy, but it's working.

So, there are my "ah-ha" moments so far.  I'll keep you updated on the rest when I have them.

A life less sweet.

My friend Cathy at A life less sweet is having a giveaway.  Dude... it's CHOCOLATE!  Go there now.  She's awesome and I look up to her for getting rid of all things HFCS.  You go Cathy!

Get your buzz on.

Click here if you want to enter a new sex toy.  pretty power tools  Good luck.

Dear Santa, I've been Naughty!

If I'm naughty in a good way, does that mean I get awesome presents?  Like the Hitachi Magic Wand or the Form 2?  Oh, but there are so many other things that would make me giddy.

Let me name them:
Weldea Sea Buckthorn Hand Lotion (This smells so dainty, husband approved)
A Vacation out of the country (preferrably somewhere warm)
Born Tatiana Boots in Brown Size 7.5
A Party with my good friends
A Party with new friends.

List to be continued...

I guess I need lessons on how not to mess things up.

I am incredibly sad today because I think I've been misunderstood.  The thing I fear the most is losing a friend and I hope this is not the case here.  I'm shocked how much this hurts my heart.  Where are my tissues?