Now less crazy.

My struggle

2011-08-02T11:49:00.000-07:00

I'm going through a lot of stuff right now, trying to figure out life.

Still trying to win an Ipad2. sigh.

2011-06-20T14:46:00.000-07:00

I’m posting this to enter a contest offered by Buy More Contacts at Uppercase Woman! I want to win theiPad 2! Enter to win here!

http://www.buymorecontacts.com/

Win a trip to Paris? Mais Oui!

2011-06-06T06:10:00.000-07:00

Jordan Ferney over at ohhappyday.com is giving away a trip for 2 to paris. She is AWESOME!!! Here's the link to sign up- http://ohhappyday.com/2011/06/goes-to-paris

Enter today for a chance to win.

Don't forget your beret!

Some iPad2 love

2011-05-18T09:57:00.000-07:00

I’m posting this to enter a contest offered by MeridaHome at Design For Mankind! I want to win the iPad 2! (and I love Erin’s shoes!)

This woman is amazing! No, Really... go check her out.

Life List

2011-05-17T18:58:00.000-07:00

I'm about to "ink" my Life List. I don't have 100 things on it right now, but it is growing. Let's do this...

1. Ride a Mechanical Bull
2. Spectate the Kona Ironman
3. Drive the PCH in a convertible
4. Take swimming lessons
5. Drag Queen Bingo
6. Attend a Broadway show
7. Smoke pot in Amsterdam
8. Throw a Halloween party
9. Learn to snowboard
10.Get hair/makeup done professionally
11. Own a killer handbag
12. Take a tropical vacation with just my Husband
13. Dress like a pin up girl
14. Visit Thailand
15. Take my kids to Chicago for a weekend via airplane
16. Surf in Hawaii
17. Walk in a pair of Louboutin's
18. Get a Brazilian wax
19. Get acupuncture
20. Own a pair of jeans that fit like a glove, no matter the price.
21. Get a shellac manicure.

As of today, I have paid for one of these, but have yet attempted it. Which one do you think it is?

We're going streaking through the Quad

2011-05-10T16:47:00.000-07:00

Every Saturday my daughter, Lainey has soccer in the morning. It's some fierce 4 year old soccer. It's usually very low key, not much drama there. Until the last time I went to watch. Both Chuck and I had a race earlier in the day, so my mom took the kids to soccer. I showed up after the race and sat with my Mom to watch the kids chase each other back and forth on the field. Off in the distance, I see what looks to be a bare ass. Double take... yes, it's definitely a bare ass. It's a small girl, maybe around 3 bending over as if she's peeing, right on the side of a neighboring soccer field. Her Dad is sitting in front of her with his back to her. He is oblivious.

I can't stop looking. I elbow my Mom to make her look. We should be watching the game, but can't stop watching this girl.

The little girl's pants and underwear are around her ankles. She proceeds to stand up and do a victory dance behind her Dad without pulling up her pants. He still has no clue on what's going on. Finally, she pulls her pants up and then tackles him from behind. Dad falls backwards right into the area where she peed.

Oh yes he did.

I'm still chuckling about it.

Pet Peeve of the Day

2011-05-09T04:36:00.000-07:00

I have many Pet Peeves. I'd like to highlight each one and explain just why is peeves me so much.

Today's Pet Peeve:

Paper Plates that stick together.

Ok ok, I know, I could probably spend a little bit more money and get the good paper plates, but hey... THEY ARE PAPER PLATES. I'm cheap, uh frugal rather and my kids use the plates too many times in a day for me to want to wash regular dishes. When I go to grab a paper plate out of the cupboard I am unable to just grab one. They are stuck in threes. Is this a conspiracy from the makers of the paper plates? They prey on your inability to spend the time to pry them apart, leaving you to use 3 plates instead of one. What gives?

Less glue, more plates! Say it with me!!!

(going to look for a new hobby soon)

playdates and loony moms

2011-05-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

My son likes to hang out with a classmate, "D". The last playdate, D came over here. Colin was supposed to go to their house today, yet here I am listening to Super Mario Bros, and screeching that is loud enough to shatter glass. D's mom said the reason he needed to come over here was because D's dad, that does not live with them, is spending the weekend sleeping at her house. She said he's leaving for Las Vegas soon and wants to spend as much time as he can with the kids before he leaves. Hmmmm. I don't get that.

He doesn't live with them.
They are divorced.
How do you spend time with kids while you're sleeping?

D's Mom talks so fast that I can't keep up. It's almost as if she took her son's Adderall. It's amazing to watch, actually. I've been ignoring her phone calls because I'm not a big fan of D and wasn't up for a playdate. He used to hit kids in their class. Why can't my son make new friends? I've begged him, but it's hard for my socially awkward kid to make new friends.

Hopefully next year, he will have new friends.

I don't belong here.

2011-04-23T18:37:00.000-07:00

I think that my Seasonal Affective Disorder has totally won this year. I swear to you I'm not making this up. It has been cloudy/rainy/overcast for over a week. This makes me unhappy, depressed and unable to function like a normal person.

I really thought I was winning. Not in a Charlie Sheen kind of #Winning. I had trained for a half marathon from the beginning of December to the end of February. I thought I had it made. Stupidly, I also thought that the weather would be better in March/April. But no, it wasn't. Mother Nature had it out for me in a big way, always trying to knock me down with the constant grey days and rain.

My Daughter, Lainey is 4. I've been staying home with her. I think she's trying to kill me slowly every day. We have a daily fight about when she's going to eat. If I give in, then I have a daily fight with her dad about what she eats. I'm in a no win situation.

I hate where I live. I hate rural areas. I live in a rural area. Only two old neighbors that I don't see much. No trouble, lots of turkeys, deer, and rabbits. I like to get crazy and have fun.

Today, I spent the day with Ima, (Names have been changed to protect the crazy) She's my BFF and my Partner in Crime. We went thrift store shopping. We ended up in an affluent town that was full of awesomeness. And by Awesomeness, I mean lots of hipsters, gays, and douches. Oh yes. I did. We shopped a few small shops. Oh so cute! The funny thing about Ima and I, is the that she is very much into the to here and now, where I like to dabble in the past. We went into a vintage shop with tons of vintage dresses, boots, hats and such. She says, "yeah, this isn't me." I started to laugh, "I love this place." I chuckled. Ima and I are a lot alike in many ways, but this is where we differ. It's cool. I love her. For a lot of reasons.

I grew up in the same rural area that I now live in. I've always had a taste for adventure and loved living in other areas. I crave living in a "faster pace of life". I have lived in big cities, such as Phoenix. Phoenix was great to live in, but we lived there for only 3 years. My husband is the stick in the mud. He likes where he's at and THAT'S THAT. I really want to live somewhere else. Unfortunately, the housing market here sucks so I'll be here for a while, but I'm really holding out for somewhere sunny and fun. Phoenix, Austin and Denver are all on my list.

Let's see...

Have you ever...

2011-03-29T12:11:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a loss in your life that felt like there was a big gaping empty hole within you?

Have you ever tried to cram that hole with things that could possibly make you feel better, but just doesn't?

Have you ever felt naked, raw, angry, sad, crushed, lost?

Have you ever felt all alone in this world, with people not understanding you?

The hole I have is exposed to the elements.

I have nothing left but to go through the steps of grieving. I hope I get through them all soon.

Time...yes... I know....time is what it will take.

This is how it feels to lose a friend.

HOLY SHITBALLS

2011-03-23T21:22:00.000-07:00

It's been over a year since I've been here. I usually take a break when major things go on with my life. The first time was a major breakdown in my marriage. A year ago, I had a friendship that I adored, go bad. Things are different, sane and on a plateau now.

I'm in need of a brain dump. My head is filled with too many thoughts right now. It's clouding my ability to think clearly. Unsure of how I feel right now, since there is too many things to feel.
I feel numb to some things, but it allows the excitement part to come thru.

I've:
stopped drinking for 42 days in a row
trained for 12 weeks for 1/2 marathon
ran a 1/2 marathon
felt like i lived at the gym

I'm:
tired
happy
sometimes giggly
sassy
sympathetic for sad friends
sad for plans changing

Life is funny, sometimes.

2010-02-17T18:42:00.000-08:00

I believe I have come to a turning point in my life. I feel like a cloud has been lifted and I am enjoying life even more lately. I am making some changes (for the better), and damn, if it isn't working in my favor. Here's a few things that I've come up with. My new motto is, "if you can't beat them join them". Which means I've given in to my husband's hobby of biking, racing and what not. I have signed up for a 5k in May. I'm not a runner, but would like to complete a 5k before I die. I hope it doesn't kill me in the process. So, I guess.... the added exercise is good for me. Hey, what do you know... exercise is good. I'm nicer and happier which means everyone else is too.

Another thing... Chuck and I have decided to take a different approach to parenting. Talking nice and no yelling. gah... We need to keep reminding each other about that one. It's not easy, but it's working.

So, there are my "ah-ha" moments so far. I'll keep you updated on the rest when I have them.

A life less sweet.

2010-02-08T11:48:00.000-08:00

My friend Cathy at A life less sweet is having a giveaway. Dude... it's CHOCOLATE! Go there now. She's awesome and I look up to her for getting rid of all things HFCS. You go Cathy!

Get your buzz on.

2010-01-12T18:25:00.000-08:00

Click here if you want to enter a new sex toy. pretty power tools Good luck.

Dear Santa, I've been Naughty!

2009-12-17T11:34:00.000-08:00

If I'm naughty in a good way, does that mean I get awesome presents? Like the Hitachi Magic Wand or the Form 2? Oh, but there are so many other things that would make me giddy.

Let me name them:
Weldea Sea Buckthorn Hand Lotion (This smells so dainty, husband approved)
A Vacation out of the country (preferrably somewhere warm)
Born Tatiana Boots in Brown Size 7.5
A Party with my good friends
A Party with new friends.

List to be continued...

I guess I need lessons on how not to mess things up.

2009-12-10T06:45:00.000-08:00

I am incredibly sad today because I think I've been misunderstood. The thing I fear the most is losing a friend and I hope this is not the case here. I'm shocked how much this hurts my heart. Where are my tissues?

sigh.

2009-12-01T19:39:00.001-08:00

teardrops that fall onto chapped lips do nothing but sting the soul.

Happy happy Joy joy

2009-11-23T12:21:00.000-08:00

I told my husband a while ago that he could read this blog whenever, but he may not like the things I write.

So he did.

Yesterday, he nonchalantly mentions that he read it and it sounded like my life is a piece of shit.
Ok, my life is NOT a piece of shit, but I've had some shitty things happen to me lately. I had to explain to him that this is like therapy to me, just getting my thoughts out. I also told him that if he didn't like what I wrote, he didn't have to visit the site anymore. Plain and simple. I'm not bashing him. He's a wonderful, funny, sexy guy that I love very much.

There are times that I have no one to vent to and this is my forum for that.

He told me I should start writing positive things and maybe I'd feel better.

Hey... I'm happy!!! LOOK AT ME... I'M HAPPY!!!!

Better now?

If you go sniffing, you WILL find something. And that something might not smell like roses.

2009-11-22T17:16:00.000-08:00

self explanatory.

Fuck, I hate myself today.

2009-11-19T12:20:00.000-08:00

I'm failing at all things easy today. I'm bored. I hate myself. I'm a terrible parent. I'm just having a blah day. It's cloudy out and I hate that.

I'll quit now.

Somethings Missing

2009-11-05T15:03:00.000-08:00

Most of the time I feel at ease with life, but lately I've been feeling like something is missing. I just don't think I can pinpoint it exactly. It's driving me crazy. There are times that I think it's something huge, but then I think it's nothing at all. It comes and goes. Right now I have one of those "what the hell is wrong with me" thoughts.

Whatever it is, it's beyond my reach. It's something I just can't grasp. Like learning how to the play the guitar, or being able to sculpt. I don't know how to describe it. It's something I don't have but have a need for. I know, it doesn't really make sense to me either.

sigh.

What I want...

2009-11-05T05:16:00.000-08:00

Is it too much to ask for a quiet moment in the morning before the kids and dog wake up? I guess not. I treasure my sleep too much to even think about waking up before they do. Let me explain my hatred of a typical morning in the life of me.

6amish... Lainey may or may not be wanting me to either lay in my bed or have me lay in hers. Why doesn't the child as her dad? Because he's told her no too many times. I guess I'm a push over or an enabler. BUT... if i don't take action and get her to be quiet, she will wake him up just enough to piss him off. Why must I be the peacemaker?

0630 - Colin wakes up, I find him clothes, make him breakfast and get his lunch ready. He usually needs to be reminded to eat. You know, because TV is more important. He's loud when he wakes up and I need to remind him to be quiet many many times. It goes something like this, "COLIN- be quiet or you will wake dad up".

About this time is when Lainey makes her appearance and demands that I take her pillow and blanket out to the couch because "she can't". Again... in an attempt to keep it quiet, I just do it. Then it's one demand after another, "I want some milk" "I want to watch Sponge Bob" "I want a snack".

Also at the same time - The dog needs to go outside. The front door is connected to Lainey's room and the door is very loud when opening and closing it. This also plays a factor into if Lainey will stay in bed asleep. GAH!!!!

0710 - Colin is constantly reminded to find his shoes and coat and backpack. Why can't he find them? He hasn't even looked. Boys.

0715 - The dog knows Colin is getting ready for the long trip to the bus and gets excited and wants to go with us. Lainey, who likes to wear nothing but underwear is wanting to go too. I argue that she can't go unless she's dressed.

0720ish - Finally get colin in the car and to the end of the driveway to meet the bus that is chronically late. I'm happy that I can rely on being late too. It's a match made in heaven.

The point of it all is that all three; Colin, Lainey and the Dog all come at me at the same time and need something from me AT THE SAME TIME. I am not equipped to multitask in such a manner without having an I.V. drip of coffee in me. It's tiring and makes me a tad bit cranky.

So, in a perfect world, this is what I want:

I want to wake up to no one up yet and have a few minutes to myself

I want to do ONE THING AT A TIME, not six.

I want to have my kids be more self reliant (yes, I know I'm an enabler...bad me)

I want to wake up with perfect hair and makeup and dressed with cute clothing.

And once in a while I want to do none of this. (ok, truth is, I want this almost everyday and want to stay in bed where I am warm and cozy)

Sigh.

2009-09-17T17:04:00.001-07:00

Chuck has to change his schedule at work. Why? I DON'T KNOW.... but it means I need to either switch the days I work or put up with him working really late on fridays. Right now, we have fridays off together. My work isn't really wanting to work with me right now to help me out in the situation. I love them, but WHAT THE FUCK BITCHES????? How about a little comprimise, eh? It's making me EXTREMELY CRABBY. I need to breathe.

My body feels like it's having an adrenaline overload. I'm hormonal and that's not helping things.

anyone got a valium i can borrow?

The house that A.D.D. built

2009-09-15T17:26:00.000-07:00

Chuck and I started building our house in late 2002. We did a lot of work ourselves. He laid the wood flooring. I helped run the electrical and was the clean up crew. There were so many decisions to make and I was afraid to make any due to my feeling of "I might pick something useless and stupid". I have a hard time with this. The night before Chuck's birthday, January 9th, 2003. I found out I was pregnant with Colin. This has come to be known as the gift that kept on giving. I panicked because our house was no where near completion. We did what we could to get our Occupancy Permit. We used up all the money on our loan and there are still many things that have not been completed.

Chuck has A.D.D. and has been diagnosed for some time. He's very good at starting projects but they seem not to hold his interest, which makes completion close to unattainable. I have no idea how to motivate him to want to complete these things. I'm at a loss and have a ghetto new house. I know I'm at fault too. I am. I do what I can do, but I can't do everything. I try not to ask for things to be done anymore because he thinks I'm just nagging. Nagging = Nothing getting done. So here comes my "brain dump" portion of this post.

Things that need to be done to complete this house:
Closet doors
sink in my bathroom
trim around my windows in my bathroom
window treatments
mirror and lighting in my bathroom
New paint color
island top
tile around backsplash/fireplace and hearth
fix my god damn garage doors that have been broken for almost a full year. ANNOYING
trim around top of cabinets
drawer pulls

sounds so easy to fix all of these but biking, fishing, working and downtime get in the way.

This is the house that A.D.D. built and it shows.

Things I love...

2009-09-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

Love is...

1. The smell of fresh cut grass, especially when it's winter.

2. Cuddling with my kids and I see them smiling at me.

3. Beer.

4. A husband that understands and trusts me.

5. Laughter.

6. Friends.

7. Friends that understand me.

8. The warmth of a pile of blankets fresh from the dryer.

9. Sleeping in.

10. Co-workers that make you want to go back to work because they are so much fun.

11. OPI Nail Polish. All Colors. And you must put it on in this order: Base Coat, 2 Coats Color, Top Coat. Not Kidding.

Things I hate...

2009-09-10T04:59:00.001-07:00

There are so many that I thought I'd keep a running list of them. Let me begin:

1. Crumbs- stepping on them, sitting on them, having them stuck to my legs after sitting in a restaurant with shorts on.

2. "Man Look"- When my husband looks for things he's lost, but can't find them. He will just glance over a room without lifting things and moving them to find the lost item. Usually, the item is just sitting out in plain sight.

3. Folding Laundry- Just. Plain. Hate. It.

4. Having the kids find me while I need "privacy" in the bathroom. Colin learned how to pick the lock. Jesus.

5. Religious Status Updates on Facebook. This is a surefire way to get me to either hide or defriend you.

6. Having dirty filthy feet. These must be washed before going to bed. It's almost as if I can't breathe without clean feet. Weird. I'd like to thank my mother for this problem.

7. Having my ears bent forward. My husband keeps telling me that it doesn't hurt me, but WTF does he know?

8. My mom walking into my house unannounced and without knocking. She's gonna get an eye full soon, I promise.

9. Having to wait on my husband because he's procrastinating, then having to hurry up because he has made us late for something. Then, I drive and he's a "side seat driver". Hey buddy, if you don't like how I drive, hop on over.

10. Baseball and Nascar. Yeah, go figure. I'm bored as Fuck.

First day of the Annoying Parent Parade.

2009-09-08T16:12:00.000-07:00

Today was Colin's first day of Kindergarten. He did awesome. It was only an hour and a half long and I only met part of his class and parents. I was unprepared with my paperwork and needed to fill out 258 more forms. Love that. Not really. I am one to just hang back and watch the other parents and hear what they have to say. Today was a really good day for my style of people watching that I like to call "parent watching".

I observed a mom today that was very much into promoting how well her son 1) found the classroom, 2) how long he's been writing letters (SINCE HE WAS TWO, DON'T YOU KNOW!) and 3) how she was a "stay at home mom" but very busy. Yeah lady, I get that. I don't feel the need to stroke your ego or play into your game. My husband and I pinched and poked each other under the table because of her shenanigans. Then he leans in to me and says, "I had a lot of fun with you last night." OH...the distractions! I. MUST. LISTEN. TO. THE. TEACHER.

I am obsessed with nail polish and I caught a glimpse of the teachers toenails. She must think I'm one of those people with a foot fetish (hey... I can appreciate nice feet). She had the prettiest, sexiest shade of deep pink/red that I could have just jumped in and slathered all over me. This will be my next venture- finding this nail polish. Maybe I'll just ask her what kind it is. That might be a nice icebreaker. Or just plain weird.

I can't for my next time meeting all the parents.

dazed and confused

2009-09-08T11:31:00.001-07:00

Not sure what to say or how to say it. I just am. Sigh.

Alternative Vacation

2009-09-07T06:20:00.000-07:00

This past weekend we made our annual trip up to a motocross track called Baja. This is where my husband used to race when he was younger. We love so many things related to motocross. The atmosphere, the camping, the smells and sounds of the 4 strokes. Motocross is not a cheap sport and it's very interesting to see the mix of people that it brings out. There are families that have bikes upon bikes and their big ass motorhomes. On the other side of the spectrum, you will see a little tent, a bike and mostly likely a Dad and Son just waiting for their turn at the starting gate.

My husband really would like it if our son would take an interest in motorcycles and all things thrilling. He is very much the opposite of that. He is the safest, most cautious kid I know. This makes my husband a bit sad. He gets frustrated with him because he doesn't enjoy the same things as him. This makes him a cranky dad, which makes me a cranky mom. Some day the kids and their dad will find something in common and we can lose the crankiness.

Some day, just not now.

i suck

2009-09-02T20:00:00.001-07:00

I suck at this. This whole trying to make a blog a pretty thing. This will be simple and most likely unappealing. Because... I'm not trying to impress anyone. Why do I keep harping on this? LOL.

Anyways...
He thinks I'm just playing on facebook, but little does he know that I'm using this time to clear my head. I'd like to call it a brain purge. He's been sick and I've been hearing about it. He's sick of being sick and needs a lot of attention. I am not only a wife, I'm a mother of two little children that also require a lot of my attention. Sometimes I need to have my own attention. That's usually a big FAIL. Tonight, I decided to give myself some time to look for a dress for a wedding. I like the idea of having no one to answer to, no one to have to give my attention to, no one to have to entertain. It was all about me. Me, browsing through ugly and expensive dresses. Trying on a dress and nearly getting stuck in it. My anxiety level started climbing while I stood in the dressing room, not sure what to do with a dress that didn't want to go up or down. Luckily, I MacGyvered my way out of it. Whew. Disaster averted.

I've been having a terrible time with my body image. It's never good enough. Never good enough for him, never good enough for me. Never. I am never happy with it. Ever. I wish I could fix that feeling in my brain.

We had an arguement. I tried to talk him through conflict resolution. I think he may have listened. Although he laughed at my tactics, I think part of it may have stuck with him. Lets hope. It's better than nothing. It's better than just shutting down or feeling broken. Some days there just aren't enough band aids to fix the broken.

Cross your fingers for me. I need this to last. I'd be nothing without him.

Calm

2009-09-01T06:08:00.000-07:00

I forgot I had this blog. Seriously. A lot has happened to me in the last 6 months which has made me forget certain things that used to be habit for me. It's ok. I'm good now. I think.

Sometimes you just have to get it out. There's these thoughts that float around in my head that make me crazy unless I command them out. This is part of that command. Putting the words down in a place where I can nicely tuck them in and tell them good night and good bye.

Lately there has been a calmness in my head which invokes words of poetry. I can't put those words down on Facebook or Twitter. People just wouldn't understand and I don't expect them to. I'm sure they would just think I'm crazy. Or perhaps, maybe some can identify with them. This is why I came back here to find my place to lay it down. I'm ok if no one reads it. I'm ok if anyone reads it. It's OK. I keep telling myself that.

internet

2008-09-16T16:39:00.000-07:00

The internet used to be my means of occupying myself. As if it was something that "had" to be done. I looked at it as a job, not an addiction. But lately, I have not been getting any satisfaction from web surfing. I look for meaning in strange things. In the internet...mostly. god, somedays I wish I could just throw the computer out the window, to land on a soft bed of newly raked and fluffed leaves so it wouldn't break. Oh, how sad am i? My house would be cleaner, my kids would get more attention, even my nails would be painted if i could just not get online. Hi, my name is jill, i am addicted to the internet. HI JILL....

maybe i'll turn over a new leaf out of the fluffy pile.

someday...

Random Ramblings

2008-05-03T07:18:00.000-07:00

My son had an ear infection so I had to go to the pharmacy to get his prescriptions filled. This is usually the fastest pharmacy ever. I've never had to wait longer than 15 minutes from the time I drop off the prescriptions. The pharmacy is located inside a grocery store. So, I go and drop off the scripts and start my shopping. I've been shopping and strolling inside the store for about 20 minutes. I go back to pick up my drugs and the pharmacist wanted to chat chat chat....
First I heard about how he had a little girl 3 weeks ago and how she wakes up every 2 hours and how is wife is too lenient about her crying. Then, the conversation turned to kids names, then it turned into how he was always a city guy and recently moved to the country and is not used to well water. "Does your glasses have spots on them from the dishwasher?" "What kind of filters do you use for your hard water?" My ice cream in my cart was melting because he was talking FOREVER. All the time I was trying to be nice and give the "ok, hurry up cuz I gotta go" signal. Nope, he didn't see it. He must be on pharmacist time. Maybe he's got some good drugs that he should share with me to make me more patient. LOL.